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RADIO INTERVIEW WITH THE HON DARK LORD HOWARD MP, PRIME MONSTER OF AUSTRALIA, NOVEMBER, 2001

INTERVIEWER:

Prime Monster, thank you for joining us this morning.

PRIME MONSTER:

It's very nice to talk to you again. You puny little man.

INTERVIEWER:

Oh. Look, a number of people, in fact large segments of the civilized world, have come out and said, oh look, if the blood-sucking loonies win tomorrow it will be prejudice over policy, what do you say to those sort of comments?

PRIME MONSTER:

Well, they're wrong. They're talking about our policy on border protection. They would be right if we were trying to eat people of a particular race but we're not. We're trying to eat people coming here illegally, irrespective of their race or their religion. We would take the same attitude if they came from Italy or England or America or Japan. It's not their race or their country of origin which is the basis of our eating them, it's because they seek to come here illegally. And, frankly, they are damn tasty. I do, however, regard this allegation that it's racially based as quite offensive to the large number of Australians who strongly support the approach we're taking. But what they're really saying is, if you believe what they're saying, they're saying that the majority of Australians are opposed to cannibalism or a lot of Australians are prejudiced against it. Now, I don't believe that. I think this self-flagellation of the Australian spirit, this tendency of some people to say, oh we have a dark side, we shouldn't be eating people, I don't believe thats true either. I don't think there's any thing at all un-Australian about dining on the recently deceased.

INTERVIEWER:

Are you completely at ease with the 12 refugees eaten daily by your cabinet being the right number, given our resources and ethnic mix at the moment?

PRIME MONSTER:

I believe it's the right figure given current circumstances, I do. It's quite high, but it's not a static figure. Now, for a government our size that's not a bad effort. But in present circumstances I believe it's the right figure. We have 21 million refugees around the world, and the prospects of resettling all of those 21 million is very remote and as a result we have to put greater emphasis on using them for food. My cabinet is just setting an example.

INTERVIEWER:

Moving on to more domestic issues. What will you do to guarantee a fair deal for motorists on fuel pricing? Prime Monster, here's a good example. I mean, we've thankfully seen petrol come down to 76 cents, 77 cents a litre and yet diesel is up into the high '80s and people are saying, hang on a minute, we're being had.

PRIME MONSTER:

Well, one of the reasons that petrol has come down, of course, is that we've been killing rather a lot of people lately, and so consumption has dropped accordingly - its one of the many Liberal efficiency gains that Labor refuses to acknowledge by the way. Obviously our statistical forecasts were a little off, or we would have eliminated more diesel drivers, and this is being corrected by the relevant federal departments.

INTERVIEWER:

Now, I want to talk just quickly about primary education because there are some problems in that area, particularly for slow or gifted students. There is also a huge gender imbalance in the primary education system, as you would know. Do you have solutions that you propose to use to fix this should you be re-elected tomorrow?

PRIME MONSTER:

Well, we will continue to have solutions in relation to standards in primary education. Innovative zombie-based solutions, in particular.

INTERVIEWER:

Prime Monster, what will you be doing tomorrow, after you vote?

PRIME MONSTER:

After I vote, I will be going around the polling booths in my own electorate, thanking people who are standing there either in the wind or the sun or the rain, handing out how to vote cards for me. And when they turn around to go home, I'll follow them, and suck out their blood!

INTERVIEWER:

(LAUGHS)

Yes, of course you will. So, do you believe that you're going to win tomorrow, or are you still not in the business of perverting the outcome?

PRIME MONSTER:

I have no more than cautious hope. I once said if I had a racehorse in the Melbourne Cup I'd call it 'Cautious Hope'. Or possibly 'Crimson Vengeance'.

INTERVIEWER:

Okay, Prime Monster, if you've got this cautious hope and no more than that, and yet you're saying: 're-elect us or die screaming in a pool of blood', why wouldn't you be more confident of winning?

PRIME MONSTER:

Because you never take anybody for granted in the Australian community. You always strive to the very last minute to win their support and their respect. And then, when their guard is down, you kick them in the goolies, and run.

INTERVIEWER:

Prime Monster, thanks for joining us.

PRIME MONSTER:

Thank you.

 

 Notes to the Brethren:

The above interview has been decoded from the original using the Secret Satanic Liberal Party Decoder Ring (TM).