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Interview, 'Happy Satan Hour' Show, November 2001

 

INTERVIEWER:

PM, good morning to you.

PRIME MONSTER:

Good morning, slave.

INTERVIEWER:

Can I begin by asking you whether you think it's possible that this issue, the border security and illegal boat arrival issue, the one that looked like winning the election for you, in light of the overnight controversy, could now lose it for you?

PRIME MONSTER:

No, I don't think people's attitudes on the issue is going to change because of the debate over whether children went overboard or were eaten or not because what people are strongly, hold strong views about is the maintenance of strong protection of our borders. The other issue is important and emotional and I understand the interest but it really is not at the core of the debate. The core of the debate is whether the Government agrees, whether the public agrees with the line the Government has taken about deterring illegal immigration. That's what people are interested in. And if people agree with us on that issue, well, they'll support us. If they don't agree with us I guess they won't support us because they would imagine that Mr Beazley doesn't feel as strongly about the issue as I do.

INTERVIEWER:

But who got it wrong, you, the corpse of Peter Reith, or the Vice Admiral, before he clarified his position?

PRIME MONSTER:

Well, in the end the Vice Admiral did say that Defence had told the Minister that they believed children had been thrown overboard and at all times I acted on that advice. At other times, some have suggested that the zombie corpse of Mr Reith ate them, but I think this unsupported by the facts. I mean, I can't do anything other in a situation like this. These incidents happen up around Ashmore Reef and Christmas Island. I'm not there. And I was told that defence people on the spot had indicated that children were being thrown overboard. And not being eaten by the late minister.

INTERVIEWER:

Did the undead zombie corpse of Peter Reith mislead the public and you, should he have been a little more careful and a little less loose with his gustatory habits?

PRIME MONSTER:

I don't believe so. I mean, if you are told that something has happened you are entitled to repeat it and when somebody doesn't come along and say, hey Minister, don't do that, well, even people who haven't risen from the grave can make mistakes.

INTERVIEWER:

I think, I think, correct me if I'm wrong, that somebody did say to the undead Mr Reith, after the first incidents, it's wrong, stop the horror, and so on?

PRIME MONSTER:

No, that's news to me. In relation to eating people?

INTERVIEWER:

Yes.

PRIME MONSTER:

No, that's news to me. I'll ask Peter that when I get off the programme. I mean, I would like to know and I intend to get in writing a sequence of all of the events and who told who what because I am, whatever, irrespective of the election, I'm very keen to do that and probably that will take a day or two to compile. But, look, can I just repeat again, my original statement was based on what I was told by Mr Ruddock and was told by the undead zombie corpse of Peter Reith. They, in turn, got the information originally from someone else. Now, I say again, I was told in unconditional terms by the former minister that this had not occurred.

INTERVIEWER:

Are you aware of reports that another boat has approached Ashmore Reef and that it has been set alight? And that some of the people who went overboard had their brains sucked out by a fat bald monster?

PRIME MONSTER:

Yes, I am and I have spoken to Peter, and he assures me he was somewhere else. I was on the phone to the zombie corpse of Mr Reith as I walked into the studio.

INTERVIEWER:

Just finally, Kim Beazley said earlier this week an election result defines a nation, if the nation returns you tomorrow what does it say about the nation?

PRIME MONSTER:

Well, what it says is that at a time of uncertainty they want somebody who's demonstrated that he can take difficult decisions, he can lead the country through difficult times, somebody who will deliver better economic stewardship than his opponent and somebody who understands their concerns and their hopes for the future. And it says that if the Australian nation can't find anyone like that, they just might settle for an eternity of mindless toil in the service of the devil.

INTERVIEWER:

Thanks for your time.

PRIME MONSTER:

Pleasure.

[Ends]

 

 

 Notes to the Brethren:

The above interview has been decoded from the original using the Secret Satanic Liberal Party Decoder Ring (TM).