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'All the news that's fit to chant'

 

9 August 2003 – Dark Lieutenant Alston wrests control of ABC from un-Australians

Dark  Lieutenant Alston’s forces have seized control of the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, after a two-hour street battle and shocking revelations that many ABC staff were linked to Al Qaeda.

 In an impromptu speech from atop a tank in Ultimo, the Dark Master of Minds pledged that although some core personnel might have to be killed, the armed takeover would not seriously alter the focus of the national broadcaster.

“Australia still needs an independent voice to shape our future – and I’m it”

 

22/11/2002 - PM on fact-finding tour of the Axis of Evil

Our Dark Lord is now midway through a fortnight-long factfinding tour of the Axis of Evil, and visited Baghdad yesterday as part of his quest for world's best practice in government. President Saddam joined our glorious overlord for several hours of fruitful talks on social restructuring and the tactful repression of minorities, and there was also serious negotiation on the new 'bombs for wheat deal'.

Our Satanic Majesty is pictured left after he accepted an invitation to tour the set of the 'Happy Saddam Hour', the current flagship of Iraqi children's programming. The Iraqi nation is regarded as world-standard in its elimination of anti-government bias in public media.

 31/10/2002 - PM WINS HUMAN RIGHTS AWARD!

The glorious Prime Monster of the Satanic Liberal Party has won peer praise and a lifetime achievement award for his tireless work against human rights.

The award was presented by Lucifer himself, manifesting at the 5067th Academy Awards for Evil, held in Los Angeles, California. The international gathering of evildoers singled out our lord for his brave crusade against refugees, and the award bears the inscription ‘A beacon of despair in a sea of doubt’ as lasting tribute to the efforts of His Satanic Majesty.

There was a wide field of evil represented at this year's event, and competition was fierce. The only other Australian nomination went to Lord Downer, for ‘Best Henchman in a Supporting Role’, with eventual honors in that category going to Tony Blair.

There was some controversy at the awards, after Saddam Hussein was once again selected as 'Demagogue Most Likely To Be The Anti-Christ' in the people's choice section. This disappointed many who feel that the vote was essentially stolen from George Bush Jr, and some critics allege President Bush's material is simply too populist to be recognized by the Academy, and that ballots were made deliberately confusing for elderly evildoers in order to maintain the Hussein franchise.  

Victory 2001!

The Satanic Liberal Party is again victorious nationwide, after the Australian people handed the party yet another massive mandate for cruel and violent change.

In a statement today, Dark Lord Howard announced the win was a sign of national approval for the government's new "Capital Punishment for Foreigners" policy, and added that its time for Australia to "put the boot in" where humanitarian issues are concerned.

His Satanic Majesty is pictured left, demonstrating his new prosthetic iron fist.   

 

1/7/2001 - Nation in mourning after Peter Reith's head explodes

Peter Reith, Dark Lieutenant to our Satanic Lord, died tragically in Canberra yesterday, as a result of a massive cranial explosion. He was 207.

Mr Reith was engaged in the latest round of global talks on reviving the arms industry, and in the middle of his keynote speech, when his head began to expand rapidly. This picture was taken seconds before his head finally burst, injuring several other attendees.

Authorities suspect that Mr Reith was the victim of an exorcism being performed in a nearby hotel. Three priests have been detained for questioning, but the incident was apparently a tragic mishap, with the late Minister not being the intended target. 

 

29/4/2001 - New portal to Hell will energize zombie community, stimulate economy

A new era in occult transportation began yesterday, when Our Satanic Majesty opened a new four-lane portal to the seventh layer of Hell, marking the successful conclusion of five years of planning and construction.

Experts hail the portal as setting a new standard in the field of underling transport technology, and predict that the millions of undead the portal should attract will be a boon for the economy. The portal is also forecast to cut commuting times in half, and may play a critical role in the government's planned streamlining of the nation's Aged Care system.

  

19/4/2001 - Fat Controller killed in freak poultry mishap

 The British necromancy pioneer known as the 'Fat Controller' was found dead today after a bizarre accident apparently occurred during the routine decapitation of a flock of chickens. We offer our condolences to his family and minions.

 

15/6/2000 - De-Conciliation Commission to be set in motion

Our Satanic Lord has decreed that a commission be established to prevent the outbreak of unnecessary conciliation, to be headed by an as-yet unnamed malignant agent of evil.

He made the announcement after intensive talks with United States intolerance experts, and is pictured left with image consultants during a three day retreat at the Pit of Eternal Damnation, in the Gold Coast.

According to misshapen underlings, recent outbreaks of remorse and forgiveness across the nation prompted the move, and Dark Lord Howard specifically mentioned the need to save Australia's youth from the scourge of universal understanding.

"We need to stop forgiving each other for violence committed by past generations", His Satanic Majesty said, "and concentrate on committing atrocities in the here and now."

"A whole generation is growing up without the ability to perpetrate even the most basic acts of villainy, and a firm hand is needed to get these people-loving bludgers to give up their namby-pamby love-ins. The coercive powers of this commission will get everyone out into the street and stabbing each other with pointed sticks."

"Just like the good old days", added our Satanic Overlord, "This commission will keep Australia divided for years to come."

 

23/5/2000 - Global domination talks underway

Talks on global domination began yesterday between two of the three major factions of the forces of darkness. Our Dark Lord himself is pictured left, in preparatory talks with Bert.

Current discussions are proving fruitful in such areas as inter-evil defence cooperation and homicidal demarcation disputes. Another focus is on the coordination of exploitation to avoid duplicating mayhem unnecessarily, enabling the dark knights of Satan to allocate their resources more efficiently.

Microsoft boycotted the talks, citing a perceived lack of evian water in the High Temple of Lucifer, but insider rumours allege Microsoft is playing for time, as it attempts to gain a complete monopoly of evil.