'All the news that's fit to chant'
1/7/2001 - Australia can fight on two fronts - PM
Dark Lord Howard today proclaimed to the world that Australia has both the capacity and the duplicity required to maintain simultaneous campaigns against terrorism and human rights.
His Satanic Majesty is currently on a global fact-finding tour, intended to
Iraq rubbishing suggestions that a ‘war to save freedom’ is incompatible with a desire to lock up refugees in prison camps.
The Satanic Liberal Party is again victorious nationwide, after the Australian people handed the party yet another massive mandate for cruel and violent change.
In a statement today, Dark Lord Howard announced the win was a sign of national approval for the government's new "Capital Punishment for Foreigners" policy, and added that its time for Australia to "put the boot in" where humanitarian issues are concerned.
His Satanic Majesty is pictured left, demonstrating his new prosthetic iron fist.
1/7/2001 - Nation in mourning after Peter Reith's head explodes
Peter Reith, Dark Lieutenant to our Satanic Lord, died tragically in Canberra yesterday, as a result of a massive cranial explosion. He was 207.
Mr Reith was engaged in the latest round of global talks on reviving the arms industry, and in the middle of his keynote speech, when his head began to expand rapidly. This picture was taken seconds before his head finally burst, injuring several other attendees.
Authorities suspect that Mr Reith was the victim of an exorcism being performed in a nearby hotel. Three priests have been detained for questioning, but the incident was apparently a tragic mishap, with the late Minister not being the intended target.
29/4/2001 - New portal to Hell will energize zombie community, stimulate economy
A new era in occult transportation began yesterday, when Our Satanic Majesty opened a new four-lane portal to the seventh layer of Hell, marking the successful conclusion of five years of planning and construction.
Experts hail the portal as setting a new standard in the field of underling transport technology, and predict that the millions of undead the portal should attract will be a boon for the economy. The portal is also forecast to cut commuting times in half, and may play a critical role in the government's planned streamlining of the nation's Aged Care system.
19/4/2001 - Fat Controller killed in freak poultry mishap
The British necromancy pioneer known as the 'Fat Controller' was found dead today after a bizarre accident apparently occurred during the routine decapititation of a flock of chickens. We offer our condolences to his family and minions.
15/6/2000 - De-Conciliation Commission to be set in motion
Our Satanic Lord has decreed that a commission be established to prevent the outbreak of unnecessary conciliation, to be headed by an as-yet unnamed malignant agent of evil.
He made the announcement after intensive talks with United States intolerance experts, and is pictured left with image consultants during a three day retreat at the Pit of Eternal Damnation, in the Gold Coast.
According to misshapen underlings, recent outbreaks of remorse and forgiveness across the nation prompted the move, and Dark Lord Howard specifically mentioned the need to save Australia's youth from the scourge of universal understanding.
"We need to stop forgiving each other for violence committed by past generations", His Satanic Majesty said, "and concentrate on committing atrocities in the here and now."
"A whole generation is growing up without the ability to perpetrate even the most basic acts of villainy, and a firm hand is needed to get these people-loving bludgers to give up their namby-pamby love-ins. The coercive powers of this commission will get everyone out into the street and stabbing each other with pointed sticks."
"Just like the good old days", added our Satanic Overlord, "This commission will keep Australia divided for years to come."
23/5/2000 - Global Domination Talks underway
Talks on global domination began yesterday between two of the three major factions of the forces of darkness. Our Dark Lord himself is pictured left, in preparatory talks with Bert.
Current discussions are proving fruitful in such areas as inter-evil defence cooperation and homicidal demarcation disputes. Another focus is on the coordination of exploitation to avoid duplicating mayhem unnecessarily, enabling the dark knights of Satan to allocate their resources more efficiently.
Microsoft boycotted the talks, citing a perceived lack of evian water in the High Temple of Lucifer, but insider rumours allege Microsoft is playing for time, as it attempts to gain a complete monopoly of evil.